


The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be

by GingerTodgers



Series: Tru Luv [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Banter, Established Relationship, Harry Potter Next Generation, M/M, Misunderstandings, Small Toilets and Big Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 09:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15139802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerTodgers/pseuds/GingerTodgers
Summary: James finds an engagement ring in Teddy's sock drawer and jumps to all the wrong conclusions.





	The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoldenTruth813](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenTruth813/gifts).



> A small gift for my Gryffindorable pal, GoldenTruth813.
> 
> [warning for people who've come here for an engagement fic, I'm sorry but this (really) isn't an engagement fic]

James waited until the pause between dinner and dessert to excuse himself. There was an unspoken understanding among the Potters that on big (loud) family dinner nights, pulling a tub of ice-cream out of the fridge took exactly the same amount of time as it took for Ginny to have a quiet smoke in the garden. He would have to be quick.

“Jamie-” his dad spoke, concern creasing his face.

“S’fine dad,” said James, ducking his head to avoid Teddy’s gaze.

“James do you-” Teddy started to stand as well.

“Don’t need your help to take a piss, ta all the same.” James addressed himself to the doorframe. “Back in a mo.” He hurried from the room, not bothering to turn on the hallway light as he made his way to the Potter’s downstairs loo.

It was a tiny room, made all the tinier by the fact that Harry insisted on keeping all his awards in there. Apparently is was a Muggle way of showing modesty. A nice idea which fell apart in the execution when you were The Saviour of the Magical World and had people lining up to give you awards for everything from Most Charming Smile to Most Brooding Broom Rider.

Squeezing past the 2014 cup for "A Beloved Friend of Gnomes", James spotted his target. Picking up the small glass bottle, he removed the bamboo sticks poking out of the top and tipped the liquid scent it contained down the sink. Unzipping, James started pissing into the bottle and had just got a good flow going when Teddy yanked open the bathroom door.

“What are you doing?” Teddy was lit from behind, the only part of his face visible was the tip of his long nose and the ticking of a muscle in his jaw. Startled, James nearly lost his hold on the bottle.

“Shut the door.” He hissed, tucking himself away. The door clicked shut and James felt Teddy step up behind him, glancing down James’ body at the tiny bottle.

“So.” Teddy’s breath tickled across the back of James’ neck. “What's going on in here?”

“M’taking a piss, do you mind?”

“Do you?” Teddy moved back a step, giving James just enough space to turn around. “Why are you pissing in an air-freshener?”

“Why do any of us do anything?” James asked, reaching past Teddy to pick up the bamboo sticks. He spent a few moments fussing with the sticks, moving them back and forth to make sure that the smell of his own piss would evenly distribute throughout the room.

“James,” said Teddy. “Why have you chosen to piss in this particular air-freshener? At this particular time?” Teddy never called James ‘James’ unless he was narked or worried.

“Just a bit of fun.” James muttered, avoiding Teddy’s eyes. It wasn’t easy in a loo the size of a coffin, but he thought he was doing a good job. Huffing in frustration, Teddy reached forward and flicked the middle of James’ forehead. “Oi!” James reared back. “Fuck off.”

“You fuck off.” Teddy crowded closer to James, backing him up against the sink. “You’ve been walking around with a face like anal sore all night-” (James glumly noted that Teddy’s first few weeks of Healer training seemed to have made an impression) “-you Apparate over here without me, I know you did that on purpose.” Teddy held up a hand, forestalling James’ weak objection. “Then when I get here you’re snapping at everyone-”

“Not everyone.” James interrupted. “I was nice to Auntie Hermione-”

“Only because you’re scared of her.” Teddy’s voice rose again. James glanced at the suddenly thin-looking door. “You don’t even sit with me at dinner and now you’re in here pissing in your mum’s air-freshener like a man with a bloody death wish.”

“You do realise if we stay in here much longer we’re both going to start smelling like piss?” said James, trying for a cocky grin.

“Do _you_ realise that’s going to be the least of your troubles when I tell your mum _why_ we stink of piss?”

“Piss is a weird word, isn’t it? Sounds like hiss, which I suppose makes it one of those words that sounds like what it is but-”

“You acting like a child isn’t doing much to lessen my complex about the age difference.” Teddy stepped, his arms folded.

“M’not-”

“James.”

“Fucking fine!” James gave in, pushing gently on Teddy’s chest to get him to back up a few steps. “Fine. I found the ring, alright?”

“The ring?” Teddy froze.

“Yeah, sorry. It just got me a bit worked up, you know?” James scrubbed a hand over his own face, rubbing at his mouth. “I thought… We talked about this. Like, marriage and that. I thought we were. You know. On the same page and that.”

“You think I want to get married?”

“Well, I can’t blame you.” James gestured to himself, making sure to take in the thick thighs he’d been working on all season.

“Right.” Teddy snorted.

“But nothings changed, not for me.” James barrelled on, determined to get the worst over with. “I’ve never wanted to get married, it’s not about the person, it’s about me.”

“Yeah, I know that,” said Teddy, pulling one of James’ hands into his. For a horrific moment, James was convinced that Teddy was about to pull out the bloody ring and try to put it on him. “Nothings changed for me either,” Teddy was saying. “S’not important to me. I don’t even like celebrating my own birthday.”

“Fucking weirdo.” James muttered, watching as Teddy reached for his other hand.

“The ring isn’t mine,” said Teddy, ducking slightly to catch James’ eye.

“It’s… not?”

“No. It belongs to Albus. He asked me to keep it while he makes up his mind.”

“You’re going to marry Albus?” James asked, grinning when Teddy huffed in annoyance.

“No, you absolutely cock. He isn’t sure if he’s ready to marry Scorpius yet and wanted to think about it for a bit.”

“Why didn’t he ask me? I’m his brother.” James’ relief at Teddy’s lack of proposal was swiftly changing to indignation at Albus’ lack of respect. “I could have advised him. Helped him decide.”

“Oh really?” Teddy’s eyes were twinkling. Shit. James loved him so fucking much. “Not sure how enlightening he’d find a monologue about how marriage is completely meaningless, followed by threats to rip his bollocks off if he didn’t propose to Scorp, immediately.”

“Well…” James mentally scrabbled around. “Well Scorp is the only person idiotic enough to put up with him. So…”

“And you’re wondering why he asked me instead of you?”

James shrugged, too busy grinning at his boyfriend to think of a comeback.

“Now,” said Teddy. “Are you going to tell me how your mum’s posh air freshener ended up as a casualty of this whole cock-up?”

“Ah.” James looked at the small bottle of pale liquid. “Right, er, I thought she might have put you up to it. You know she was going on about gay marriage being legal now and…” he paused, another wave of relief rushing through him. “And she was talking about Albus, wasn’t she?”

Biting his bottom lip, Teddy nodded.

“Right,” said James. “I’ll get rid.” He reached for the bottle, only to be stopped by Teddy wrapping an arm around his waist and holding him in place.

“Let’s leave it,” said Teddy, his breath making the curls on the back of James’ neck flutter.

“Why?”

“Heard your mum telling Lil that her and your dad have brought us another bloody cactus.”

“The fuck?” James squirmed around, glaring. “That’s the fourth one this year, what is wrong with them?”

“No idea."

“Rufus is the stupidest dog in the world,” said James. “He will try to fuck that cactus. They know this.”

“The stupidest.” Teddy agreed. “Now can we please go back to the table? It stinks in here and I want some ice cream before they pull out Rufus’s new girlfriend.”

“Fine,” said James, allowing himself to be pulled out of the loo and into the dark hallway. “But I’m not going to pretend to be pleased about it.”

“Noted.” Teddy grinned, towing James towards the brightly lit kitchen. “Now hurry up, if you make us miss dessert I’m going to propose in front of the whole family.”


End file.
